I don’t really write personal pieces on here but I saw something last night and couldn’t stop thinking about this issue, so I decided to type it out. For all y’all extroverts out there.
P.S. I’m not even sure “introversion bullying” is a term but it should be.
I think the first time I heard about introverts and extroverts was in school when you were sort of “divvied up” based on whether you liked to be in the centre of attention or not. If you were rowdy you were categorised as an extrovert, and if you were shy you were an introvert. There was really no further analysis or conversation about what each of them meant, how to recognise their differences, or how it affects and shapes personalities. I think it just wasn’t talked about or defined like that.
I grew up being an active child, and a bit of a trouble-maker. I was always up and about doing things, being a little mischievous, and always speaking my mind. But I was always shy. The older I got the more introverted I became. I’m always open and loud with my family and close friends, but as a rule, I’m quiet and held back with outer circles and definitely new people. And while to me that’s okay because I am listening rather than talking, I am analysing rather than jumping in, to some other people (read: extroverts) that can be conceived as rude. My not participating in a conversation can be viewed as boredom, my looking at people be judgement, and being generally quiet as being bitchy.
Once, I moved to a different country to live with my boyfriend at his parents’ house. Red flag, I know. Even though his family was so different to me and mine with each person being louder than the next, constantly rushing and NEVER being quiet, with immediate family being around 30 people, I loved them. Sometimes when it became too much I just retreated to our bedroom for some downtime. I thought I’d found a nice symbiosis for our co-existence. Until the questions started. “Why are you so quiet? Is something wrong? You seem a bit rude. You should make more conversation. Why aren’t you talking to us?”
Even though it was just one or two people in that family saying it, I felt attacked and bullied. They didn’t understand the difference in nationalities, backgrounds, or personalities for that matter. It wasn’t comprehendible that I was just a quiet person. To them, I was being rude and that was that. I wasn’t accepted. I was an outsider, jilted because I preferred to listen over talking. I wasn’t the social norm.
I think it’s that past experience that triggers a fire mixed with annoyance in me when someone says I’m quiet. For as long as I can remember people have asked me: “Why are you so quiet?” and the follow-up: “Are you okay?”, and I have always politely answered them. Now I am 34 (I’m THIRTY-FOUR?! Sh*t!), and they’re still asking the question. And I don’t want to answer anymore. It’s like someone asking “Why aren’t you taller?” or “Why is your nose crooked?”. It’s actually bothersome and a bit offensive.
There’s a guy on Instagram who does reels on introvert vs extrovert and he is preaching every time. In one of his videos, he’s told “You’re so quiet”, to which he replies “you’re so loud!”. When the first person asks what is he doing, he replies that he’s doing the same thing the provoker is. If he were to tell him to shut up, it would be taken as an insult. But it really feels like the same thing. It is not okay to tell introverts to speak up more. Being quiet is how we listen, process and participate in conversations. “It doesn’t mean we’re any less engaged.” I tend to speak when I have something to say, not just for the sake of it.
This is also why I’ve been told “oh, I thought you were a bitch before I got to know you”. Because I was quiet. Watching. Listening. If you remove context, when are these traits considered negative? They’re not. But when someone doesn’t match your energy it somehow invites a right to comment on and judge it. I, like any other introvert, can be just as loud as an extrovert, once I get comfortable with the person.
The main difference between these two extreme personalities is that while extroverts get their energy from other people, introverts get theirs from being alone. Three people is a lot for me to deal with, especially when they’re acquaintances or strangers. Each additional person is just a question in waiting, and I’m constantly aware of it. Which in turn can start to affect your self-awareness and confidence in a negative way because you’re trying so hard to be social so people wouldn’t think you’re bitchy.
If I could choose a superpower I’d be invisible. There’s nothing like being at the gym or in a shop and accidentally seeing someone make eye contact with you and you think “ohmygod… why did they just look at me… are they moving my way… are they going to ask me something… or SMILE?! do I have to smile back? do I have to make smallllll talkkkkk?!”
When I’m about to go out my apartment door and I hear someone else moving in the hallway, I stop and look through the peephole until they’re gone. Sometimes when I’m out I pull my hood up so people wouldn’t see my face. It’s my way of becoming invisible. I realise I might sound whacky but my introvert-people will understand.
As an introvert, I feel most at home… at home. It’s safe, familiar, quiet. It’s where I recharge. I could spend weeks on end without any human interaction and be fine with it. Actually, I have. Ahh, the good ol’ days of dark depression. Sometimes I miss the dark days because at least I didn’t have to answer calls when I didn’t want to. Jk. Maybe.. There’s nothing worse for me than a jam-packed social schedule. One appointment or event a week is pushing it for me. The more time I get to spend doing nothing and enjoying my own company, the more energised I become.
I don’t think extroverted people ask these aforementioned questions to consciously trigger or annoy but it’s important to understand what we feel when that question is asked, and how it affects us. If you’re constantly made to question your personality by being told “if you spoke more, you might seem friendlier”, it can eventually create a dent in your person. Especially if you’re insecure. So you feel shamed and start to pretend to please people. Aka you start being someone else. And that shit’s just draining. Smiling along and making small talk when all you want to do is put on Friends and be under the covers depletes you. It’s basically being like one of those helium-filled balloons that has hung in your room for weeks and now it looks like it’s pure willpower holding it up. Depleted.
Maybe it’s not the introverts being silent that’s the problem but the extroverts’ inability to be comfortable with silence. Because introverts don’t mind being silent. The extroverts do.
There’s nothing wrong with being either/or. But we should accept people for who they are. Whether they’re introverts, extroverts, or Scorpios. If you’re an introvert – don’t let yourself be shamed for being quiet, and explain this to your loved ones. And if you’re an extrovert – I hope this made you understand your quiet friend better.
Love you all!